Breaking down Sen. Evan Bayh's farewell email

So a brief return to the blog to do a quick FJM treatment on Senator Evan Bayh's farewell and fuck thank you email I received today. He continues to find new ways to piss me off.

A Privilege To Serve

For almost all of my adult life, I have had the honor of representing Hoosiers in elected office.

I also would have accepted "representing Wellpoint" and "representing Washington columnists who easily get the vapors."

Next month, my time as a United States Senator will draw to a close. I am proud of what we accomplished together over the past 12 years.

This ought to be good. I hope the list includes a rundown of the number of times he served as the Democrat in "even some Democrats support [insert policy that the Heritage Foundation likes here]."

With your help, I’ve worked to preserve and create jobs in the automobile, RV and medical device industries – cut property taxes, make college more affordable for middle-class families and crack down on abusive credit card practices.

Cut property taxes? Just how does a sitting senator do anything to cut state property taxes? Also note the lack of:

• Big bills with his name attached to it as a primary author that made any sort of meaningful impact on the lives of lower and middle class Americans.
• Mention of his support for the change to bankruptcy laws that were a giveaway to the credit card companies on which he likes to say he helped crack down.

In the Senate, I’ve fought to keep our country safe with a national security strategy that is tough and smart, and to ensure our soldiers have the equipment they need in battle and the health care they deserve when they return home.

What part of his national security strategy that he's proud of includes "bombing the fuck out of brown people that had nothing to do with 9/11" and "keeping our soldiers entrenched in an endless war that only empowers the terrorist minority of Muslims in the middle east"? IMO, the best health care for soldiers would probably be not sending them into ill advised wars on trumped up "evidence" and Washington post columns full pant-wetting fear mongering.

Finally, I’ve tried to be a voice of reason for balanced budgets and fiscal responsibility, voting against excessive spending by both parties because it is immoral to saddle our children and grandchildren with unsustainable debt.

Evan Bayh. The voice of reason. Look how reasonable he is. Even his hair is parted reasonably! And speaking of unsustainable debt, how'd that Bush Tax Cut vote work for that?

Last week, I delivered my final speech as a United States Senator. As I said on the floor of the Senate, Hoosiers are hardworking, patriotic, devout and full of common sense. We are Middle America and embrace middle-class values. The more of Indiana we can have here in Washington, the better Washington will be.

This paragraph is one "real Americans" away from a BINGO. Sadly, he won't get to go home with the Hickory Farms Sausage Platter and a gift certificate for a free appetizer at Applebees. Better luck next time, Evan!

To my fellow Hoosiers let me say that while my time in the Senate is drawing to a close, my devotion to our state will remain everlasting.

Indeed it will be everlasting in the name 'Senator Dan Coats', 'Representative Larry Bucshon' and potentially [Zeus help us all] 'Governor Mike Pence'.

Thank you for the privilege to serve. May God bless you.

Good riddance.

Sincerely,

Evan Bayh

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.